Affair Recovery

While no one knows for sure how common affairs really are and the data varies considerably, studies suggest that anywhere between 20 and 76 percent of people have engaged in a sexual affair at least once. And, those numbers go up when we factor in emotional infidelities. Most research shows men stepping outside of the relationship more often than women, but in more than 40 years as a counselor, I’ve seen as many women commit infidelity as men. I’ve also learned that affairs often stem from a disconnection in the relationship. Although it’s common to blame the cheating partner for committing a betrayal – and it is fair for the faithful partner to experience feelings of hurt and anger – the underlying causes of an affair often have little to do with sex or blind attraction to another person.

If left unaddressed, affairs threaten intimacy, increase disconnection and can be the demise of a relationship. However, with the help of an experienced couples therapist and the willingness of both parties to openly and thoughtfully engage in the affair recovery process, it is entirely possible to heal from infidelity. Infidelity counseling can help you not only restore trust, but also reach a conciliatory understanding of each other and the experience, which can lead to forgiveness and a stronger, more loving union.

Over the span of four decades, I’ve specialized in healing marriages and relationships, particularly those scarred by infidelity. Even if you feel hopeless right now, I know from professional experience that healing from infidelity is entirely possible. In collaborative sessions, I can help you not only understand the external factors that contributed to the affair, but also the specific emotional issues that impacted the breakdown of connection and intimacy in your relationship. With sensitivity, wisdom and compassion, I can help you and your partner manage and process the heated emotions of heartbreak and betrayal so that you can come to a place of forgiveness.

In initial infidelity counseling sessions, both you and your partner will have the safe space and support needed to share your experience and express suppressed feelings of hurt and anger. These first few sessions are usually the most painful, but facing difficult feelings, such as guilt and outrage, is a critical stage of the healing process. During these sessions, I can help each of you express your powerful feelings in genuine, responsible ways that will allow for a calm, understanding dialogue. Rather than entering into a destructive cycle of communication, I can help free you from emotional drama so that true sorrow, apologies and forgiveness can emerge.

In initial sessions, you are your partner will also learn important communication skills that will not only help you process and heal from the affair, but can also aid you in maintaining harmony and connection in your relationship moving forward. Rather than using blaming statements that generally begin with the word “You” and evoke feelings of defensiveness, you and your partner can begin using “I feel” statements, which tend to be more easily accepted and often generate supportive responses.

Once you and your partner have worked through initial heated emotions and have practiced effective communication skills, we’ll examine the circumstances and conditions that allowed the affair to take place. Without judgment or blame, I’ll also help you recognize the roles you both played in the creation of the affair. Over the course of sessions, we’ll address the ongoing difficulties and conflicts in your relationship, unresolved personal issues and the external circumstances that put undue stress or pressure on you, your partner and/or your relationship.

Even though you may feel shame, anger or hurt right now and question your future together, if you and your partner are both willing to heal and forgive, affair recovery is possible. With guidance, support and thoughtful communication, you and your partner can heal from infidelity.

Sometimes couples decide to separate following an affair. If either you or your partner feels that the connection between you has been broken or that you’re out of alignment with values, aspirations and intentions, it may make sense to end your relationship. If that’s the case, I can help you process the emotional aspects of the affair, cultivate compassion and forgiveness and separate in a graceful way that supports each other and your children.

I strongly encourage you to consider infidelity therapy as a valuable investment in not only your relationship, but also in yourselves. There are emotional issues and internal and external circumstances that led to the affair. Left unaddressed, these problems are likely to continue to arise in your relationship. But, through addressing the thoughts, feelings and circumstances that contributed to the affair, it is possible to heal the wounds of betrayal and create an intimate connection that offers you both security and satisfaction. Furthermore, once you and your partner shift into healthier communication, you may experience immediate results. Some couples experience significant improvement in their relationship after just three or four sessions.

If you have children or if you still really love your partner and want to save your relationship, you need to talk through your feelings. Although some sessions may be painful, I provide a nonjudgmental, safe space for you and your partner to openly discuss the deeper issues that led to the affair. These honest conversations often result in new understanding and deeper empathy toward each other. The newfound capacity for open communication becomes a healing force as you and your partner learn to voice and listen to each other’s respective needs. And, if you are both committed to doing the work, anything is possible.